Apocalypse Not Now: A comedic future
by Ek01
Summary: (PART III Original story, made in 2019) In the last chapter, Jay gets captured by Kak'dar and his cronies during their invasion of earth. Because of this, (with the help of the President) LA RESISTANCE undergoes an epic, yet potentially suicidal mission to Paris in order to rescue her.
1. The Arrival

Paris, France, was dubbed "the City of Lights" in the past.

Nowadays, in the 22nd Century, it looked even more beautiful with

updated technology for the Moulin Rouge, the boutiques and boulangerie stores.

The cargo ship slowed down, then came to a stop.

Clay, Bronwyn, and the others stayed as quiet as possible when the baggage check robot came in, then they snuck out when it left.

Clay grabbed Leia and dragged the kids behind a building.

"What?!" Exclaimed Bronwyn, once they were out of sight and earshot.

"Can't we see the sights?"

"No, of COURSE not!!!" Exclaimed Clay. "Paris, is about to be invaded by ALIENS, and we are here illegally; so if you make ANY noise,

we won't be able to get to the American Embassy, teleport us onto

Kak'dar's ship and save my fiancé!"

"What about the rest of the world?" Asked Karen, her metal arm in a slight fist.

"Uh.." Clay sheepishly rubbed his shoulder. "Yes, that too."

"Then I suggest we move." Said Sam. "Unless we do not move at any moment I predict someone will arrive, and we will be found."

"Yeah, you're right, lets go..." said Bronwyn as they left. "Hey LEIA!!!"

Bronwyn turned to find Leia trying a macaron from a display case.

"IS THIS TIME FOR SHOPPING?!! NO! Leia, come on!!" Exclaimed Clay with a whisper.

"Mmf-aaye!" Said Leia, her mouth full. She left the bakery. Then, she walked back and quickly grabbed a baguette and a skateboard left on the sidewalk.


	2. The Reveal

Upon arriving at the American Embassy, the kids noticed there were quite a few guards.

"How do we get past these guys?" Asked Bronwyn.

"Leave it to me..."

Leia jumped on her board and skated over to the officers.

"Bonjour, dawg!" Exclaimed Leia.

She picked up her skateboard.

"Oh no..." replied Bronwyn.

"We're gonna die." Said Karen. "She doesn't even speak..."

"Comment tu fais mes frères frenchie?" Leia leaned up against one of the officers.

"...French?!" Karen exclaimed. Then, she thought. "The effects of the Rosetta Stone enzyme.."

"Trés bien." Replied the other officer. "Que fais-tu ici?"

"Je suis ici pour voir.." Leia assumed one of her monkey kung-fu poses. "Votre maman!"

Leia upper-cutted the officer, kicked the other in the nuts, and knocked out the video cameras with her baguette. She landed on the

ground, holding her baguette like a

sword.

"AU REVOIR LOSERS!! that's how we do it in AMERICA!!"

———————

Jay awoke. She looked around.

Jay was wearing a strange jumpsuit, within a container filled with a green, watery liquid.

Thankfully, she had a breathing mask on, but what was that field surrounding her, energy, or glass?

Suddenly, the door opened, and a muscular warlike-figure strided

foreword.

"Kak'dar..." she thought.

"Look at you," Kak'dar grinned

maliciously, stroking the energy tank containing the young woman. "So beautiful, so delicate...I would

love to clench you between my jaws, but..." The fish-crocodile-dinosaur man stared at Jay's

stomach, grinning. "Hello, what's this??"

Kak'dar's species, the Fishm'n, had an innate hearing ability. Not only could they hear what was occurring around them, but if they focused really hard on something so small, like a heartbeat, it could be heard clearly.

And it was obviously a heartbeat, but was it one or two separate ones??

"Computer!" Exclaimed Kak'dar. "Scan the wench, I believe there's something wrong with it."

Once the computer had come down and scanned the enclosed woman, it spat out a response to Kak'dar. He sneered, placing his hand through the energy-glass, and stroked Jay's abdomen.

"Ah, so I am containing TWO

prisoners aboard my ship. Your mate shall be pleased, to hear that you have his LARVA within your EGGSAC!!"

Now, Jay was terrified.


	3. The Portal

"Okay.." said Clay, pulling out a small USB-like device. "The President gave us permission to use this so let's not screw it up! We've got an invasion to stop!"

Clay placed in a few coordinates here and there, until an image of the President appeared on a screen. There, he had reached the signal.

"Mister President!" Exclaimed Clay. "We have arrived at the location, and are requesting backup for the battle against the invading armadas."

"Son," spoke the president. "I'm afraid you're too late--our satellites indicate that the armada is advancing faster towards the earth,

and you, along with the children must manually handle the invasion."

"WHAT?!!" Exclaimed basically everyone in the room.

"But don't you fret--I heard that one of your people is trapped up on that alien's ship, so I will give you a portal to the ship, that way you can

destroy it from the inside!"

"That is brilliant, sir!" Exclaimed Samuel.

"Excellent!" Replied Clay. "Everyone, prepare your plasma shields if need be." Said Clay to the kids.

"...SMILE, EVERYONE!!" Exclaimed Clay as the tele-porter started.

With a loud blast, the kids as well as Clay had been disintegrated, their molecular structures moving at a rapid pace. Eventually, they re-

integrated on a large, darkened area—Kakʼdarʼs ship.

"Nice goinʼ genius..." said Bronwyn.

"What?" Asked Clay.

"You bought us into the PRISON

CELL!!"

Clay gazed at the slightly mutated cockroaches on the walls, then simply said;

"Oh."


	4. Kak’dar’s wife

Jay sighed.

This whole "being captured" thing was gonna be long and rough.

Suddenly, the door opened, and the tall fish-woman that Jay had seen approached her.

"Are you with that ugly pus-ridden hunk of fish crap?!" Asked Jay, aiming her gun at the fish.

"I am Naa'ya'li, and Kak'dar is not a...er, disgusting being." Spoke the fish-woman.

"Then, WHADDYA THINK HE IS, ALIEN TRASH?!" Jay yelled. "HE NEARLY KILLED ME!!"

"He is...my husband." Spoke Naa'ya'li.

"So...you were MARRIED to Kak'dar?!" Asked Jay.

"Indeed. But now he remembers not of the sacrifices I made to be with him." Replied Naa'ya'li. "When we were married underneath the waterfall on the romantic forest planet of Jaaa'kdu, the eldest Tha'nak'u of my clan bought forth the sacred marital knife, and etched The Sacred Mark Of Eternal Love into my right arm. After this, the blood flowed forth, and into the ceremonial cup, from which Kak'dar was then permitted to drink. This Mark, and the blood-drinking, signified that he and I would love each other no matter what the cost, that he and I would grow old together, and have many, many children as well. However, it

seemed as though my husband believes that he is married to his job, rather than his beloved wife--his job makes far too little time for love-making, as is the custom on our home planets..."

Naa'ya'li sighed and spat at an image of the disgusting Fishm'n on the wall.

"But alas, most of the oppressed women in my clan would kill for such a position as mine--to be both warrior and wife, that is something that was traditionally unheard of until now. I suppose I must live with it until then."

"What do you mean "live with it?!" Asked Jay. "You, are the most

independent person I've ever seen, just go! Get a divorce or something! If you're respecting him and doin' what he wants but he's not respecting you and doin' what you

want, there's a MASSIVE problem

right there!"

"What is a divorce?" Asked Naa'ya'li.

"It's when two people that are married have problems and want to be separate, which is what you should be getting!" Explained Jay.

"No, I mustn't.." Naa'ya'li snapped. "If I were to enact this "die-vor-che", then I would be disobeying the

elders of my clan, and throwing off the balance of nature!"

Naa'ya'li sighed and gazed back at Jay.

"Perhaps I was being too rough. Have you someone like Kak'dar?" Asked Naa'ya'li.

"Yes." Replied Jay. "Although he treats me better than how Kak'dar is with you. He lets me be a strong woman, and the best part is, look!" Jay grabbed Naa'ya'li's webbed

hand and placed it on her stomach, human fingers guiding her. "Look,

I'm PREGNANT!!" Jay happily

exclaimed, although she was not fully showing yet.

The alien woman calmly rubbed the human's stomach.

"It's...it's beautiful, human.." Naa'ya'li sighed. "What will you call it?"

"I'm not really sure.." Jay thought.

"If it's a boy, I'll name him Raymond, but if it's a girl, I'm naming her Rebecca, after my mother."

"Perhaps Annka'ra'i could be a suitable middle name." Suggested Naa'ya'li.

"What does it mean?" Asked Jay.

"It means, 'life-giving water' in our

language." Explained Naa'ya'li.

"I love it.." breathed Jay, stricken with awe.

Suddenly, Kak'dar burst in. Naa'ya'li ran and hid before he could even find her. She ran to an escape pod and set it off into space. Jay smiled, for Naa'ya'li had taken her words to

heart.

"COMPUTER!!" Boomed Kakʼdar. "Summon my troops. Oh, and let

the wench have a front-row seat to

the destruction of her home

planet..."

Jay gasped as her containment unit was being rotated to a window area, right where earth was! Quickly thinking, she opened another door inside the containment unit, and slid down a pipe.

"SMELLYALATERSUCKAA!!" She

exclaimed at the top of her lungs.


	5. Finding Jay

"You kids stay here.." Said Clay. "Iʼm gonna find Jay."

"Oooh!!" Said Bronwyn. "You gonna have SEX?!"

"No!" Said Clay, who then blushed

embarrassingly. "We already made

that kinda jungle love months ago..."

Clay entered a sewage shaft, while being treated to,

"Jay and

Clay, sittinʼ in a

tree! L-O-V-E-M-

A-K-I-N-G!" but he

ignored it.

Mutated sewer creatures crawled about, some swam away once they saw him coming.

Clay waded through the strange liquid, walking, walking, and hoping to find his girl. The sewage smelled

terrible, but he marched on.

Suddenly, he heard someone calling out to him. He crawled through more pipes, and swam up some.

The voice could still be heard, until Clay rounded another pipe and arrived at the source. There, in an unusually clear, shallow pool of water, lay his goddess, Jay.

"Clay!" Exclaimed Jay. The two embraced and started making out. "How are the kids?"

"They're fine." Replied Clay. "I've

missed you so much, babe..."

"Me too." Replied Jay. "But there's something I really need to get off my chest right now.."

"What?" Asked Clay.

"When that damn fish kidnapped me, he ran a diagnostics on me as well..." Jay handed him the evidence.

"What is this, a hurricane?" Asked Clay.

"NO! YOU IDIOT GENIUS--IM' PREGNANT!! YOU KNOW!! THAT TIME WE HAD VICTORY SEX?!!!"

Clay's ears drooped, and he gazed down at Jay's submerged lower half, then his own.

"Woah!" He said, admiring his "wiener". "Didn't know I had it in me!" He laughed, and the two embraced yet again, when Jay

stopped.

"Oh crap..." she paused. "Am I gonna have PUPPIES?!!!"


	6. The Battle

The battle for the earth had begun.

Millions of spaceships surrounded the Eiffel Tower, slowly descending to the surface of the planet with all

kinds of half-animal beasts. And

in the midst of it all, were Bronwyn,

Clay, Jay, Sam, and Karen. They managed to escape into the loading dock, while most of the guards were either knocked out or asleep on the job.

Slowly, the creatures descended into the landscape, frightening all manner of Parisians. The Eiffel Tower was devoid of tourists, and

becoming smothered in monstrous aliens attaching a device that would allow Kakʼdarʼs mothership to abduct this famous earth landmark.

"We have to get off the ship!" Said Clay. "If we donʼt, then weʼll be killed when the Eiffel Tower gets pulled into this loading dock!" Exclaimed Clay.

"Thereʼs two escape pods over there, but the doorʼs locked!" Replied Jay.

Everyone started to bicker and squabble, until Bronwyn finally spoke up.

"HEY!! HOLD ON!!" She yelled. "WHERE THE HELL DID LEIA GO?!!"

"Really, youʼre just noticing that?" Asked Jay, sarcastically.

"Look, down there!" Exclaimed Karen, grabbing a telescope. "Sheʼs headed straight for the Eiffel Tower!"

Everyone looked, and sure enough, they saw Leia.

Leia sped through Paris, holding a baguette while riding on her

skateboard, now painted to resemble the French flag, with a

smaller French flag on the side, and an enormous nuclear missile strapped on with a belt. She pressed a button on the side, a metal version of La Marseille played.

"Oh no." Said Clay.

"VIVAAAA!!!" Leia lit the fuse.

"LAAAA..." the rocket slowly sputtered and gave a loud hiss.

"RESISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..." the rocket shot off the air an almost impossible speed. Leia struggled to hold on as it went up the Eiffel Tower. "—AAAAANCE!!!!"

The skateboard fell off the Eiffel Tower, everyone taking pictures below.

Leia struggled to keep a good balance mid-air, and thousands of feet above the stratosphere in nothing but her dress. But, she pointed her fist into the air, much like Superman, and proudly yelled and whooped as she fell back down.

"SSSSUUUPER MAAAAAAAAANNN!!"

(*SMAK!*)

Leia landed on the glass of the robot. She gripped on tightly, and yanked out a knife from within her bosom, breaking the glass in its entirety with the knife and her

fists as well. The window broke open, and the odd yet badass 12 year old girl landed amidst a glass and fire shower.

"LEIA!!" Exclaimed Bronwyn. "You okay?"

Leia stretched, cracking a few bones. She pushed some glass off her shoulder.

"I just flew at 70 miles per hour up the Eiffel Tower on a skateboard I stole from a guy and a missile that I stole from the government, after i tried macarons at a bakery in Chessy and went to Disneyland Paris for the first time, and rode halfway across France to save you guys, and now the only weapon I'm

wielding is a flaming baguette. Again. So AM I OKAY?!!!"

Leia tossed the French flag into the cage controls, opening it.

"I've never better in my whole damn life." She smiled.

Leia hugged everyone, then outfitted herself with a gun, passing more to the others.

"Now come on you guys, let's save the universe..."

She led everyone out, and looked back at Clay.

"...And Clay's love life."


	7. De-Evolve

Sam activated a nuclear detonator, sending 4 or 500 animal men into the air. Bronwyn and Leia best up hundreds of animal-men, Leia namely used a street pole. Karen, though she was rather small in stature, punched hundreds of animal-men using her metallic arm.

Jay and Clay were a perfect tag-team couple as they fought the animal-men together. Pretty soon, after they all beat up the animal-people, more ships appeared on the

horizon.

"We have to take them all out." Said Clay.

"But how?" Asked Jay.

"I know!" Said Karen. "We could

use the de-evolutionizer again."

"The range is too short." Said Samuel. "Unless we manage to

project it from something metallic..."

"My arm could work!" Said Karen.

"No." Replied Samuel. "It has to

be stronger than that."

"Say, Clay!" Exclaimed Bronwyn. "I just had a weird idea!"

"What?" Replied Clay.

"You were able to de-evolve most of the aliens back in the states, and the de-evolving ray, its got a long range, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what if we projected the ray at them, but found a way to increase the volume of the effects?" Asked Bronwyn.

"That way, we could de-evolve every animal in a single pull of the ray trigger!" Replied Clay. "Brilliant!"

Bronwyn smiled a little at his remark.

"Now..." said Clay. "We should

probably get somewhere where the range of the blast will be strong

enough to de-evolve all the aliens

on earth, someplace like a building or...or a chapel."

"Say!" Said Bronwyn. "What about over there!"

Her finger extended at the sight of the enormous, mostly metal chapel...known as Notre Dame.

"Bronwyn Manchester, I dunno how you did it, kid," Clay spoke, his tail wagging. "BUT YOU DID IT!"

"C'MON GUYS!" Exclaimed Jay. "LET'S KICK SOME ALIEN BUTT!!"

"YEAH!!"

Exclaimed everyone as they powered up their ray guns.

"AAAAAAAA!!!" Jay yelled as she ran and flipped into battle, sending

alien animals into the air.

Clay sighed as she kicked an alien in its nuts, making it screech.

"What a woman!" He said.

Pretty soon, La Resistance reached the cathedral, and began the great descent upward. Despite the many

animal men following them, Clay managed to hook it up, then he quickly hid underneath a piece of lead.

"PRESS THE RED BUTTON!!" He called to Bronwyn.

"Uhh..." Bronwyn looked extremely nervous, as the animal-men were getting even closer to her face.

Suddenly, the people watched as a larger ship approached Kakʼdarʼs ship.

"Yeah! Reinforcements!" Jay whooped.

Within the other, more advanced ship, as Kakʼdarʼs computer had indeed determined, was Naaʼyaʼli.

"Naaʼyaʼli, my star, my one and only!" said Kakʼdar. "I told you that once I am done destroying this world, we can make love a thousand times more than your brood pouch can handle!"

"GO SUCK A NARGLEBLARG!" Naaʼyaʼli exclaimed as she fired a barrage of lasers into Kakʼdarʼs ship, exploding it to pieces. She then jumped out of the ship and cloaked herself to where the de-anthropomorphisizer ray wouldnʼt turn her into a feral fish.

Bronwyn was still relatively nervous.

Then, she took a deep breath, and said;

"Okay..." She reached out a slender hand, and pressed the button.

(*KA-BLAMMO!!!*)

The ray hit the iron cross that was in front of the cathedral, and nearly blinded everything in a pure white light.

Everyone could hardly see for about five seconds, until the light cleared, a trail of smoke emanating from the ray.

"Everyone okay?" asked Jay.

"Itʼs aʼight!" Leia said.

"I am faring well!" Naaʼyaʼli whooped.

"As am I!" replied Samuel.

"Iʼm fine!" Karen said, happily.

"Doinʼ great!" Bronwyn yelled.

"Clay, you doinʼ okay, honey?!" Jay

called to her fiancé.

There was no answer from beneath the piece of lead.

Clay stood upright.

Everyone gasped, for he was a completely butt-naked, handsome

Caucasian human except for a dog tail. Then, Jay exclaimed and hugged Clay.

"Oh honey!" she said. "Youʼre a person again!"

"Sure am, babe, kids.." Clay laughed as everyone gathered around and hugged him. "And Jay, the future is open for all three of

us now..." He calmly touched her stomach.

All was silent, until Leia spoke up.

"Dude...you should really put some clothes on...cowʼs cominʼ out of the barn there!"


	8. The Marriage

Flower bouquets lined the aisles of Notre Dame (which was strangely still standing after the war that had just ensued). Light poured in from the stained glass windows, and doves fluttered about on the inside, chirping happily. The kids were seated on the front pew, dressed in the finest fashion France had to offer.

"AW, I SO KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!" Exclaimed Leia.

"bout' damn time.." spoke Samuel.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Exclaimed

Karen. "Bronwyn and Jay are coming!" She told everyone, including Clay, who was wearing a nice black suit.

The enormous doors opened, and in strode Bronwyn, wearing a lovely dress covered with millions of tiny,

genuine diamonds, that reminded her of her former home. She carried

with her a small basket of white rose petals, tossing them into the air. Then, Clay's eyes widened and his still de-evolving tail (tucked in his pants) wagged as Jay walked in. She was perhaps the sexiest bride that Clay had ever seen, dressed in a pure, white, strapless dress that hugged her muscular figure seductively, with small pieces of gold weaved into the fabric. Her hair was down and waving in the wind, her waterfall-like curls covered in beautiful flowers.

She looked much like Gaia, Greek goddess of the earth, and the resemblance was perfect, for she was his world.

The couple turned to face the pastor, who began the wedding.

"Dearly beloved," he said in a crackly French accent. "We are gathered here today to commemorate these two wonderful people on the next chapter in the journey of their lives; that journey, of course, is love. Not the kind of love that is just temporary and doesn't last for more than one day, but the kind of love that can last for

eons and centuries! Never before, have I ever seen a more beautiful example of this love, than you two here before me."

The pastor cleared his throat as Naa'ya'li (in a human disguise)

handed Clay and Jay their respective rings.

"Now, Monsieur Dr. Clay Barnett, do you take Madamé Jaqueline Rakshak to be your beautiful wife?"

"I do." Said Clay.

"And do you, Madamé Jacqueline Rakshak take Monsieur Dr. Clay

Barnett to be your lovely wedded husband?"

"I do..." Jay winced, trying to hold back happy tears.

"Then," the pastor smiled. "By the power vested in me...I now pronounce you man and wife.."

The kids cheered, along with Naa'ya'li. Jay and Clay kissed just as the pastor was about to tell them to.

"Heh.." he laughed. "You crazy kids!"

End.


End file.
